Recent Stories in Off-Task

The story, headlined "Google Responds to Privacy Concerns with Unsettlingly Specific Apology," contains this shout-out to our northern neighbors:

Added Schmidt, "Whether you're Michael Paulson who lives at 3425 Longview Terrace and makes $86,400 a year, or Jessica Goldblatt from Lynnwood, WA, who already has well-established trust issues, we at Google would just like to say how very, truly sorry we are."

Congratulations on Lynnwood's first namecheck by The Onion. Seattle has 88 mentions, including one from the future, where Seattle Mayor Frances Bean Cobain-Osment calls for emergency deforestation.

To catch you up for the sixth and final season of Lost, Portland-based cartoonists Graham Annable and Vera Brosgol have presented their own "Foggy memories of LOST" via Flickr.  It's got all your favorite lost moments, including Charlotte with a nose bleed, Hurley driving the Dharmamobile, and when Desmond met Jack.  Oh, misty water-colored Island memories.

Special to The SunBreak by John Hieger

Seattle lifers are experts on the random nooks and crannies of the neighborhoods they grew up driving around as shady teenagers. After a painful route running session on the luxurious Roosevelt High School practice field this week my friend, a Lake City lifer, asked if I wanted to see "the biggest rock ever"?

My inner, misguided nerd shot back, "Ayers Rock is in Australia."

"It's like five blocks away, let's check it."

So off we drove, me skeptical, him with an amused grin.  

Sure enough, around a random corner (28th Avenue NE, near NE 72nd Street) in one of those typical Ravenna/Wedgwood single-family neighborhoods sits the Wedgwood Rock, the biggest-ass boulder I'd never heard of. I was expecting something children could crawl on, but this thing could crush a school bus. You expect to see old Volvo station wagons in Wedgwood, not huge volcanic stones dropped from the last ice age 14,000 years ago.

"What did I say, bro? It's huge," my friend boasted.

I was impressed. "Why wasn't I told about this?"...

The YouTube title says it all: Otter Cuteness for Valentine's Day!

As with most holidays, the Woodland Park Zoo will be giving the animals special treats to celebrate, but the otters got theirs early this year.  What they're snackin' on above is a "heart-shaped ice pop made with a splash of fruit juice, a handful of smelt, a sprinkling of carrots, and a whole lotta love."  Uh, yum?  Other critters will get honey, strawberries and cranberries, herbal bouquets, and heart-shaped steaks for the carnivores.

The zoo claims this break in routine, like Confuse-A-Cat (or Bewild-A-Beast, for that matter), keeps the animals alert and stimulated.

Full zoo Valentine's Day treat schedule after the jump.

• Golden lion tamarins 10:00 a.m.
• Snow leopards 10:30
• Otters 10:30
• Orangutans 11:00
• Goats 11:00
• Pigs 11:00
• Willawong Station 11:30
• Sloth bear 11:30
• Jaguar 1:00 p.m.
• Gorillas 1:20
• Penguins 1:30
• Lemurs 1:30
• Keas 1:30
• Tiger 2:00
• Elephants 2:00
• Red pandas 3:00

The Vancouver Olympic Games are "snow-challenged," thanks to an El Nino weather pattern that's sluiced away sixteen inches of snow from Cypress Mountain since January 1. In Seattle, El Nino has resulted in great, atmosphere-magnified views of the surrounding mountainscapes in all directions.

Mayor Mike McGinn

Geoff Carter wrote this for Monkey Goggles, originally, which is where we ran across it. He has graciously agreed to let us republish it, as is the Archie McPhee way.

To Mayor Mike McGinn:

Congratulations on this, your third week as the new mayor of Seattle! I wanted to get a nice word in before the inevitable comedown of the weeks and years ahead, when it sinks in that one man can't undo years of governmental tone-deafness, bureaucracy, and outright malfeasance. (Hmm, this sounds familiar somehow.) Even the Stranger's editorial board will say a cross word about you someday, and there's a chance I may agree with them—but for now, I'm happy and I hope you're happy too.

And now, as David Bowie would say, here are the sordid details. Mayor McGinn, I have a wish list for my town—a few action items that I'd like to see action'd all to hell. Most of the things on the following list are outside your control (and some you've probably no interest in doing), but I'm sending you it to you anyway, because it's traditional. The new mayor takes charge, and a local crank pings him with a wholly impractical laundry list of complaints that the previous mayor ignored. If I didn't do this, Mayor McGinn, I'd be a poor citizen, understand? I'd be letting the terrorists win.

These are arranged in no particular order, Mayor McGinn. If you get on yer bike right now, you could maybe have most of these knocked off by the weekend. I believe in you!

Please go to Olympia and slap somebody until the Alaskan Way Viaduct thing is hashed out. Get them to replace that defunct bypass with a surface road, another elevated highway, a Slip 'n' Slide, anything. I'm tired of crossing my fingers and toes every damn time I drive to West Seattle. I know the state favors a tunnel, but I think we can still manage a surface road if you slap enough people enough times. I'll give you bonus points if you pull a Monty Python and use a salmon....

This princess is "Standing on a stone pillar just outside the arboretum," says SunBreak Flickr pool member mangpages, and creating some terrific aesthetic contrasts. I am reminded of a Buddhist priest instructing his students, "The plastic is in your head."

Friday, January 1, 2010, was the date of the official Polar Bear Plunge at Matthews Beach Park. It's not exactly a hoary tradition, as it began in 2003, but it seems to be popular (at least up until the actual moment). Here we have video of the "plunge," which frankly I'm a little disappointed by. A good number of these people are wading, not plunging.

A second hardy group, having missed the en masse plunge at Matthews Beach, regrouped at Mt. Baker Beach. These people get my vote for follow-through. They demonstrate real commitment. You know who else demonstrates real commitment is Darth Vader. But then, he has his light saber to keep him warm.

Mike McGinn was much lauded for frequently using Twitter to communicate with supporters along the campaign trail. Now that he and his staff have moved into their new digs, he should probably start playing Foursquare. Aside from racking up points and letting constituents know where he's spending time, he could also claim virtual mayorship of his new office. Until then, we'll just have to imagine this showing up in the @MichaelMcGinn timeline.

Yes, this is a hoary format, usually only good for a forced half-smile or two. But what the hell, the new year wipes away all sins against humor. So here you go. Headlines you won't see in 2010. Oh God.

Mayor McGinn Adds Eighth Car to Daily Motorcade
"Getting to work without generating thigh sweat is pretty awesome," says McGinn.

Scandinavian Found Living in Ballard
Gustav Sorensen asked for "pickled herring booth" at Sunday farmers' market, was immediately placed under mental health supervision.

KeyArena Rededicated as Howard Schultz Pavilion
No one more responsible for bringing roller derby to Seattle Center.

Local Drivers Noted for Competency
"I drove from First Hill to the U District today and never once said "@#$@#," let alone "^#%$#!" or "#%^!!$#$@@," claims motorist.

Seattle Children's Hospital Unveils Plan to Serve as Helicopter Base for Al Qaeda
Laurelhurst residents cautiously optimistic for traffic reductions

Cougs Win

On this, the deadest workweek of the year, you owe it to yourself to check out one of the best things about 2009, The Awl, for their collective, still-ongoing take on the decade that was with The End of the 00s series.  Seriously, just use the tag to read every single piece, which run the gamut from the painfully personal (the decade as told through alcohol/drug-related blackouts, lost jobs, and/or Netflix) to the overarching themes (the rise of reality tv, the fall of the US economy, the mainstream media's unyielding march to increasing suckitude) to those single defining moments of the decade (9/11, natch, but also the infamous Britney-and-Justin dance-off).  So take the afternoon to read 'em all, because what the hell else are you doing in the office today?...

The worst Christmas/holiday gift I've ever heard of was the time a friend of mine gave his girlfriend $187 in cash with which to buy a parking pass.

"But she really needed that parking pass!" he told me later, having received remonstrations from her, her family, his own mother, and me.

Happy ending though--the couple in question is married with an adorable baby girl. The relationship survived a gift of cash (unlike Jerry and Elaine's).

I gifted my own dud last year. I bought books for my two pre-teen nieces. Books, it turned out, they had already read. In lieu of demanding an all-time reading list, I went the safe route this year and bought them gift certificates to the venerable Secret Garden Bookshop, where I bought books as a kid. (Back then, it was in Greenlake, where BluWater Bistro is now. This is just a preview of the exciting new SunBreak series, "Seth's 'Where Things Used to Be!'")

The worst gift I ever got, wasn't actually that bad, I was just a snotty kid and turned it into a big deal. My mom saved up for a trip to England, it was her first trip out of the country--I believe she was in her late 30s at the time. Anyway, she bought my sister and me gifts, and mine was a replica of a chess piece in some famous prehistoric set at the British Museum.

"Mom. A chess piece? What am I going to do with one chess piece?" God I was a brat. I still have the thing, it's actually pretty cool, and has far outlived many presents I was bowled over by at the time--like the Radio Shack remote control car I got on Xmas Day and played with maybe twice after New Year's.

Hoping none of my presents this year make anyone's all-time worst lists. We'll see...

"Oh -- Seattle" by Paul Swortz from The SunBreak Flickr pool.

Okay, Seattle, this is it: You have roughly 60 hours in which to complete your shopping before Christmas is all over you. We know there's someone you haven't figured out what to get yet, and there's surely someone who's slipped off your list that you're going to remember Wednesday at 8 p.m. and freak out. So The SunBreak--with the help of some knowledgeable friends--is here to help: this is our desperate, last-minute gift guide of the more or less local variety. Support local businesses and take all that pesky thinking out of holiday shopping!

A Cinematic Gift That Keeps on Giving Plenty of films are made in the Great Northwest these days, and plenty of them suck. The easiest way to become familiar with what's worthwhile and what's best forgotten in terms of local (and non-local) cinema is by becoming a member of the Northwest Film Forum. NWFF is a member driven collective that does more than pretty much anyone else to support film in the Northwest, as well as bringing the best independent films to town. Membership starts at $40 a person (or $70 for a couple), and gets you great discounts to shows, as well as lets you help support the cinematic arts in the region. (Jeremy M. Barker)

Just Plain Nuts Holmquist Hazelnuts are absolutely delicious hazelnuts grown in Lynden, Washington. Available at the Pike Place Market and several Farmers' Markets. (Rachael Coyle)

Mariners Merch After a few years in the wilderness of mediocrity (or worse), the Mariners are looking like contenders again. Hit Safeway or a  Mariners Team Store for Mariner gift cards your M's fan friend can buy tickets and gear with; or go balls out and put a deposit down on a 16-game plan. (Seth Kolloen)

Chocolates Falling in the delicious territory between completely useless and entirely practical (you do need calories, even if they're near-empty), chocolate makes a good gift for just about everyone on your list. An obvious and elegant choice is the Obama-endorsed Fran's, where the gray and smoked salt caramels is a classic minimalist delight. At this point, their website looks overloaded; so last minute purchases will need to be made in person. For the more ecologically conscious sweet tooth, look no further than Theo the country's only organic, fair trade, bean-to-bar chocolate factory. They have single origin bars, inspired artistic truffles, chipotle sipping chocolate, and even a vegan option or two. Order online or sample the goods in their Fremont factory. (Josh C. Bis)

Rock Musics I'd happily recommend any of my favorite albums of 2009: Curse Your Branches by David Bazan (questions about the reason for the season); Listen to the Thunder by The Maldives (best paired with The Moondoggies Don't Be A Stranger and a bottle of whiskey); and a personal favorite, one of the most underrated local albums of 2009: Space Between The Maps by The Ironclads (for fans of complex character-driven pop songs). (Abbey Simmons, SoundontheSound.com)...

The protester/auteur notes: "Another month has come to protest and we have returned to the cult building on Aurora Avenue. I forgot my video camera at home for some reason, but I did have my cell phone camera ready to go. Not so great with the quality of footage, but it's better than nothing." The Santa hats are a huge plus.

For my money, CHS has said it best: "Depending on where you fall on the Grinch spectrum, Seattle Santarchy either means a surreal experience watching a group of Santas invade bars and have a holly, jolly Christmas--or an irritating experience watching a bunch of douchebags make asses of themselves in holiday costumes."

However, it's hard to begrudge the rogue Santas playtime in a public park, and I'd like to thank YouTubers Sonny Kwan and cadabeso for sharing the moment with the general public. It really warms my heart to see Santas ice skating and scoring goals in soccer.

At the online-only DieHard Torture Labs, a series of viral ads demonstrates how Sears' DieHard car batteries "perform under extreme demands." For example, this battery is able to run a car, while also powering a wall of headlights, a mic, an amp, and a beatboxing Reggie Watts.  Y'know, the usual. 

(h/t Videogum)

"No, I don't have a landing permit..."

SARLACC, the Seattle ARea Lucasfilm Artifact Collectors Club, proudly announces its first collectible lapel pin.

To celebrate the 30th anniversary of The Empire Strikes Back, the SARLACC charity pin features the Millennium Falcon flying in to land at the Seattle Space Needle. This cloisonné pin has a limited run of 1,000 and has been officially approved by Lucasfilm Ltd. and the Seattle Space Needle. Each pin will come on an individually-numbered card with an image of the Cloud City's landing platform.

All proceeds from the sale of this pin will benefit the Fred Hutchinson Cancer Research Center, whose ultimate mission is the elimination of cancer and related diseases. The Center conducts research of the highest standards to improve prevention and treatment.

Order your limited edition pin ($10) right here.

SARLACC would like to extend their gratitude to Lucasfilm, the Seattle Space Needle, Swifty Printing, PinDepot, and the Fred Hutchinson Cancer Research Center for helping make this limited edition Star Wars pin possible.

Counterpoint: MoonBreak!

As I had sent an RSVP to Seattle Metropolitan, the media sponsor, I went, even though I was sorely tempted to skip it for the Polish poster documentary. I felt like it was my duty to trundle down and report on the fashion "heat" generated by a show featuring models in boots and butterscotch schnapps.

RSVP aside, when the woman ahead of me asked where the check-in was, she was told there wasn't one. "Where do I sign up for the contest," she asked. "The event starts at 5:30 p.m.," she was told. (It was 5:26.) After a few minutes, a blonde model in a black overcoat and black rubber boots--sort of a flasher Holly Golightly--got up on a little pedestal, and I snapped a few pictures until a security guard said brusquely, "No photography!"

Previously, I had been under the impression that people wanted you to take photos of fashion shows? Maybe the rules for trunk shows were different. Fine, I thought, direct me to the hot cocoa and schnapps. Little hiccup there: It was not permitted to serve schnapps drinks, trademarked or otherwise.

I got a half a mug of hot cocoa and sipped it while the models, seeing my camera, vamped in my direction. Even here, things were off: they were young and thin and suited for catwalk work but the Sorel boots looked like their weight might snap their twiggy legs.

A woman loaded with three Columbia bags marched through the store so purposefully I half-thought she might be a plant to stimulate the shopping impulse. The store was not, charitably, full. Desperate, I put in my name for a contest, and walked away with a complimentary Sorel cap with tassel, gray, in the only size they had: women's XL.

Wanna get away? Well, you can't. But here's a 3 min. 53 sec. tour of the Olympic Peninsula that might hold you until a real getaway can be planned. It includes shots of very cute deer, leaves changing color, and a surprising man in the rain parka talking about salmon spawning. Personally I'd replace the new age soundtrack with a Fleet Foxes song, but you know, that's me.

Oh, corn. It's in everything we eat, we hope to power our cars with it someday, and when October rolls around, we even go play in it. Truly, Americans have a corn problem. But of the three, the last really is the best: October is prime agritainment time, with corn mazes opening up around the region offering a fine excuse to get out of the city on the weekend, whether you've got kids or not.

For a lot of people, a corn maze and pumpkin patch sounds like family-friendly hell if you don't have kids, but the truth is, they're actually a great way to spend a weekend day, and an excuse to get a better pumpkin than you can find at Safeway. There's basically three types of people who go to the mazes: horny local teens (who come out in droves for "haunted" mazes nearer Halloween, which are never worth the effort), families, and hip urbanites.

There's a lot of variation between "corn mazes," some of which aren't really mazes at all. And while five years ago plenty of farms offered little more than a roadside fruit stand...

Photo courtesy of Sylvia Olveda.

A friend threw this shot up on Facebook this morning of a guy wandering downtown with a mannequin strapped to a piece of luggage. Odd in and of itself, but pretty par for the course for downtown Seattle.

However, at least two other people commented on her post that they'd seen this guy over the weekend as well. What's the deal? Who is the mysterious mannequin man? Some traveling businessman? A new addition to the (politely put) colorful cast of characters that keep things interesting in the urban core?

It's built a web next to my mailbox, and as it's a spider of some size, I'm wondering if a co-living arrangement is in order, or if there needs to be an eviction notice.

It may only be September 21st, and Seattle may be in the midst of a "late September heat wave" with temps tomorrow in the upper 80s, but it's Christmas at the Downtown Macy's as of last Thursday.

THIS I CANNOT ABIDE.